


"Lost Battle" - Oneshot

by WritingWithADinosaur



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Drug Addiction, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 08:33:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17056394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingWithADinosaur/pseuds/WritingWithADinosaur
Summary: A bad mental breakdown leads you to lean into your addictions again, causing the downward spiral to continue. A oneshot that shows that support can mean the world to someone who has to focus on individual battles that add up in a massive internal war.





	"Lost Battle" - Oneshot

**Author's Note:**

> Eggsy Unwin x Reader
> 
> Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color
> 
> Warnings: (TRIGGER HEAVY! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION)
> 
> Shoutout to Mara (witchymarvelspacecase) for helping me through some rather difficult times. Some of the dialogue in this piece are texts from her while I was having a really hard time. She is an amazing person, writer, and friend. <3

There was no way you’d be sleeping at a normal hour tonight. Just like how your sleep schedule had been for the past two weeks. Late nights, barely any sleep, and for no reason. You were tired, but your brain wouldn’t stop reeling.

_You fucked up. You fucked up. Goddamnit you’re such a fuck up. Everyone else is moving along and you’re still stuck. You can’t even get up and shower. Goddamn piece of shit._

You needed to get up and shower. You needed to eat. You needed to clean. You needed to do a lot of things today. But you ended up trapped in your comforter for a majority of the day thanks to the jagged claws, and life-sucking fangs of your mind until it was close to midnight.

_Did you spend all day in bed? Sure, you went up and got around a little bit today. But what progress did you make? You’re still a goddamn mess._

Negative thoughts like that shouldn’t get to you. You know they shouldn’t, but here you were: Laying in your bed, listening to those thoughts, trying to figure out what to do next that didn’t involve your vices: Painkillers and razor blades.

You had talked to Merlin about taking some time off for personal reasons after breaking one of your clean streaks the night before. He agreed to it, not bothering to ask any further questions, and pretending not to notice the bandage around your wrist.

Your boyfriend, Eggsy, was sent on a mission while you were on leave. He should be back home within the next day or two, but there was no way of knowing for sure. You knew you could talk to someone at HQ if you needed to, whether that be Merlin or Harry or one of the medical professionals they had connections with. But you already felt like enough of a burden to everyone in Kingsman.

_Taking a week off because you can’t keep your shit together? Wow. And they picked you to be a part of Kingsman? You somehow passed the tests? How? Maybe you should just save them the trouble and just leave. They’d all be better off without you._

You couldn’t stop the tears from flowing at that thought. You felt the thought coming, but still didn’t brace yourself enough for the impact it caused. You sobbed into your blanket, feeling nothing but sadness and numbness.

Why couldn’t you be normal? Why couldn’t you get a grip on yourself?

Everything was a blur as you untangled yourself from your sheets and found the shoebox under your bed. You lifted the top off and found what you were looking for: silver kisses and painkillers.

You slid against the wall and found yourself on your floor, fiddling with the thin metal at your fingertips. Before your thoughts could get any louder, you pressed the blade to your arm and left a horizontal line in its path. Letting out a shaky breath, you leaned your head back against the wall and closed your eyes, focusing on the stinging sensation on your arm. Without even looking, you began to cut again and again. Soon enough, you had a collection of lines on your arm, all of them with beads of blood in different stages of coagulation, stinging as you moved.

 _Stinging_. You could _feel_ it. You felt the dried tear tracks on your cheeks. You felt the AC coming from the vent across the room. You weren’t quite as numb as earlier. You had hoped that this would have silenced or even lowered the volume in your brain, but it ended up doing the opposite.

_Holy shit… You really are pathetic. Relying on this shit to help you? How the hell is slicing yourself open supposed to help you? And let me guess, you’re gonna down some of those pills to make you forget the damage you did?_

Sure enough, you grabbed for the pill bottle and downed three capsules with some water. Wishing tonight would quickly end with some sleep. But then you thought of something new to set you off:

_What is Eggsy going to think? Yeah, he knows about your stupid addictions, but just think of how disappointed he’s going to be when he sees this shit._

You felt the tears welling up again. Eggsy shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Staying in your leggings and t-shirt, you slipped on your shoes, grabbed your cardigan and purse, ignoring the blood that was staining your sleeve, then walked out the door with no actual destination in mind.

~~~~

Eggsy’s mission had gone unbelievably well. It was a quick and easy interrogation and take down. Letting him come home earlier than expected. As soon as he got off the plane, he met up with Harry and Merlin for a debrief before he could go home and see you.

Thankfully, the cameras in Eggsy’s glasses caught the entirety of the mission, so there wasn’t too much for the men to discuss. After Harry dismissed everyone and said goodnight, Eggsy walked to Merlin.

“Where’s (Y/N) at? Thought she’d be part of the meetin’.” He looked around the room once more to make sure he didn’t somehow look over you.

“She asked for a few days off. I gave her a week as of the day before yesterday.”

“Oh.” Eggsy was a bit confused. You never asked for days off. Even when you were obviously sick. There was one time you had managed to come into HQ with no voice and a killer cold for half a day, avoiding everyone until Harry saw you and sent you home.

“Has she been alrigh’? Everythin’ fine between you two?” Merlin spoke in a hushed tone as to avoid anyone else from hearing.

“As far as I know, yeah. Why? Did she say something to you?”

“Actually quite the opposite. She didn’t say much of anything. I am concerned though. I don’t know if it’s anything related to her asking for a break, but she had a bandage around her wrist before she asked for time off. And there is no record of her going to medical before leaving.”

“Shit!” Eggsy sighed. Eggsy knew exactly what happened. He had been there to see the aftermath of a few of your breakdowns that ended with breaking your clean streaks. But you had just celebrated 6 months of sobriety from both of your addictions. Which meant that this break could be more dangerous than the usual.

“I’ve gotta go! Be on call if I need help!” Before he could get the last word out, Eggsy was running through the doors, yelling for other agents to move out of his way as he raced home.

~~~~

There was a small pier at the edge of a pond that was always vacant. It was a 20 minute walk from your flat if you took shortcuts. You hadn’t planned on ending up there, but you were glad you did. It was calming. You sat at the edge of the dock, leaning against one of the vertical posts, laying your arm on one of the horizontal beams. The location was the perfect mix of city noises and soothing waters.

Once you were comfy, you brought your knees up and relaxed your carved up arm on top of them. You rolled up your sleeve a little bit to see the lines in the moonlight. You could still feel the stinging, but not as much as when it was fresh.

_So what’s the plan now, dipshit? Yeah you’re feeling shit again. But what now? You’re just gonna try and disappear? You work with, and date a spy. You can’t just run away. He’s going to–_

Before your thought could go further, you were crushed by two familiar arms wrapping around you.

“Fuckin hell!” Eggsy was out of breath and you could hear the panic in his voice. “Thank _fuck_ I found you.”

_What the fuck? He’s not supposed to be home yet? But… SEE! You made him worry! You fucked up again! This is why you will never be–_

You felt to guilty. Sobs punched through your chest and tears poured out of your eyes. He kissed the side of your head and moved you into his lap. You slowly wrapped your arms around him and buried your face into his shoulder, letting every last ounce of tears you had leave your system.

“Shh.. It’s alright, luv. I’m here. Whatever happened, you’re not dealing with it alone. Shh… Please breathe, babe. Breathe with me, yeah?”

He took exaggerated breaths to help you catch on to the pattern, until your breathing started to get back to a semi-normal state. He leaned back and looked at your face. His hands gently cradled your cheeks, wiping away the tracks that your tears had left. He kissed your forehead before speaking again.

“Whatever’s goin’ on, it is _not_ the end of the world. You have been in this position before and you made it out. And I’m not letting you give up. Not that easy.”

You let another couple of tears slide down your cheek only to meet Eggsy’s thumb. You leaned your forehead on his and took a shaky breath before struggling to speak with your raspy voice.

“I feel like a fuck up. Everything got to be too much. I was numb and didn’t even think before getting back on this shit… I thought I was getting better but–”

“But you _are_ gettin’ better! Maybe not as much as you’d like, but progress is progress!”

“I relapsed. I broke _both_ clean streaks.”

“Yes, that sucks. But you can’t be angry with yourself. Try to be patient.” He lifted your head so you could see his serious, but kind green eyes. “We both know how far you’ve come. And we both know how far you still have to go. And you won’t _ever_ be alone. Not while I’m around.”

A small smile grew on your lips. The first real smile in a while. Eggsy grinned and leaned forward to leave a gentle kiss on your smile.

“I don’t know if there is really a way to ‘get over’ any of my bullshit.”

“Even if there ain’t, I’m always gonna be here to help the best I can. I love you, (Y/N). And I want to be a part of your life. All of it. The good times, the borin’, the frustratin’, the rewardin’, the worst. _All_ of it.”

You didn’t have any more words to say. Instead, you leaned to his lips and kissed him. He kissed back, holding onto you as if you were going to turn into ash and fall from his embrace. Eggsy’s pocket buzzing broke your kiss. He pulled out his phone and held it to his ear, not letting his sturdy hold of you lessen.

“Yeah. She’s safe. … Mhmm. … I’ll let her know. Thanks for everythin’, Merlin.” Sliding his phone back into his pocket, he stood up and held his hands out for you to grab. You took them and relied on him for support until you got some energy back in your system.

“Merlin was worried about you. He may not show it, but he actually cares about you. More than he cares about me I bet!” You chuckled at the last part. “He just wanted to make sure I found you. He also extended your time off. You just gotta let him or me know when you want to come back and he’ll arrange it.”

“Thank you, Eggsy.”

“No worries, luv. Now, let’s go home, get cleaned up, and get some much needed sleep.”

Within an hour, you were in bed with Eggsy. Your back against his front and his strong arm draped over your waist, reassuring you that he wasn’t going anywhere. Your arm was cleaned and bandaged properly thanks to Eggsy’s help. Most importantly, you both were finally feeling the wave of exhaustion taking over, letting you both drift off to sleep.

As you closed your eyes, you began coming to terms with the fact that this was going to be a war, not just a single battle. And there would be some battles that you would lose. But you didn’t have to fight this war alone. And eventually, you would come out on top.


End file.
